I’m here after being terrified of writing about this, freaking out after I accidentally post the draft whilst trying to lock and withdraw as quickly as possible, and just starting over again. But I’m going to do it anyway, even when it makes me incredibly nervous. I find that where I’m the most nervous is where I finally come onto the scene. So here I am, I don’t know how long this will be, and I don’t know if you’ll read all of it. But if you know me and want to help me out, everything in here should make sense to you.
If you don’t know me, hi I’m WORLDofPEACE… You’ve might’ve seen me a lot on GitHub, and I probably left you some sparkles. No, I’m not asking for these back, you’ve earned them. I’m here to talk about me… Leaving. Let’s start at the beginning. No not my holy conception out of the ether of this universe. I joined the NixOS project in 2018 (I think), and publicly that is all you will know about me, because I’m a private person. Early on people assumed that I was antonymous or I had a psydonym, this was really hurtful. As a Trans and Nonbinary person, I have to fight to be seen as real, so that really hurts. Now back to me being a private person, I will say that this will remain true, and that people who I’ve confided in private know more of my life. To those people that are reading this… I’m going to miss you. I’ll never forget when you told me I was truly one of a kind. I’ll never forget the openness, the sharing, the intensity that I offer to a friendship as a beacon of understanding to be given freely. Out of all of this, that was what was most important to me. Not the code or all that, but my faith in creating connection over this medium. While I did all that, I will say that to the ones that know its clear that my life has nothing to do with software development. I started becoming aware of programming from Max MSP and a curiosity in Linux. I can’t actually properly use it in my work. It’s been that way for maybe… 4-5 years until I discovered nix. Out of all the opensource communities I’ve seen… It was really nothing like the others. I joined because I could. And fast forward from then, I got occupied in doing: Nix Office hours, NixOS release manager, Nix RFC Steering committee, NixCon “online edition” insert diva electronica voice etc. etc. This proved to me that people will think anyone is a software engineer But I was pleased to find that I had talents in these things. And even several people offered me jobs which I had to decline. With all that behind me, I guess what remains is now.
For months this has been on my mind. A feeling of incompatibility, at first. It frightened me. To grow incompatible means you will have to part ways, and I really didn’t want to. But it became more difficult, the very subject bored me one day. When that happened… I will admit I had to step back and I cried. I couldn’t do it. At the heart of it, I started to, reflect back on, “what does this mean?”, “What am I making this mean?”, “When did I first feel this way?”. It was when I had an RFC meeting I couldn’t make while I was on conneccting flights back from being in Seuol. Graham, you probably remember this. I started to realize that my daily life simply had nothing to do with this. Is that a bad thing? Not exactly, but the way I live my life, I promise you it is. This created a lot of dissonenece in direction. Much time goes by and this problem for me continues. After releasing NixOS I took a break to think about things. And after that came an actual vacation. When it was time to host NixCon… You could say the soundbite I created reminded me that I already felt like things were over. Since then, I’ve been trying to find a way to position myself here. But I felt that the place within me for this was no longer there. I often speak in this way, so forgive me if it comes off as prose… I think in prose since most of my life has been creating it. Invisioning something beautiful yet still wordless and sightless. This realization proved that inside and outside, this is not for me anymore. Our internal landscapes changes. The emotional waypoints move and we experience things differently than we did before. This is not a burnout. Not at all. I wish I could describe this in more detail, but I feel myself thinking that I owe this to everyone. And I really don’t. “I felt that the place within me for this was no longer there”, describe it best. Please understand that I comprehend my feelings in a way that they are precursors to my future experiences. Everything that has happened to me here, up until now, has validated me in that I should acknowledge these feelings as real, and that what matters most to me is that I’m following, I guess I’ll describe this as the directive of my own internal current. Trying to push against this new tides is just going to make me unhappy. I want you to know that my dedication to adopting to this new internal landscape in only pushing me in the direction of my desires. Sadly the quickest way the waters guide me too are not always the most comfortable. But I trust that beyond this I will reach a placid water. And when my landscape changes it means, yes I have to leave behind what I thought was there. But these new locations and configurations are just as perfect re-creation of what was once new. There is no turning back to what was if it no longer remains. There’s nothing left in me that isn’t beautiful. Nothing remains. Nothingness is perfect.
So I have to leave the org y’all . I’m sorry, this isn’t the kind of breakup you deserve. Mentally I don’t really grasp it, so I might need to perform something in a cathartic way to make me truly realize that I can’t linger about anymore. Naturally performative, as in my nature (to those that will understand that).
All I have left to say is… I really don’t want to post this. But if I don’t I’m not sure what I’ll choose to realize this disconnect.
This last part is dedicated to the people I’ve met here along the way. I love you. Remember me in whatever way brings you the greatest excitement. Wether that was my voice creating a laughter, the feelings you felt with me, or the ideas we shared that made you grow or see things differently. Look into your mirrors. Stare deep into their eyes. And see my face looking back at you inside. Bye my bad bitches. Hold onto this for me.